Many Happy Returns

Many Happy Returns - Stanley Holloway

Down at the school house at runcorn

The eadmaster walked in one day

Looking all appy and cheerful

Which wasn't his habit they say

The boys were completely dumbfounded

And whispered hello what's to do

But the headmaster still went on smiling

And said boys I've some good news for you

It's like this today is my birthday

So it's no time for classes and such

You can go but the boys were too staggered

To even say thanks very much

They could scarcely believe their own earoles

As they welcomed these tidings so bright

But soon they all cheered to the echo

And very near busted with delight

Said headmaster now there's no hurry

Before very long you'll be free

But seeing as how it's me birthday

How old would you take me to be

Well the boys didn't like this delaying

And one of the younger ones swore

At the silly old fool of a master

And the satisfied smile that he wore

He didn't swear any too loudly

Or he'd have been out on the mat

For calling the master a silly old beggar

Or something that sounded like that

I bet you won't guess it correctly

The headmaster went on with a wink

Cause I've got a sort of a notion

I'm not quite as old as you think

A new boy jumpeel up and guessed twenty

In the hopes that he'd get off for a week

While another one guessed ninety seven

Although with his tongue in his cheek

Said the headmaster don't let's be funny

Or you'll be here all day I can see

So who'll give a serious guess now

Come on just between you and me

Then in walked the junior tutor

In a very old mortar board hat

He said I hear there's a game on

Well I'd like a basin of that

Said the headmaster mind your own business

And kindly do not interfere

Or you'll lose half your rasher of bacon

And all your allowance of beer

The tutor said don't be a cad sir

I don't wish to make any noise

But you might at least try to be sporting

If only in front of the boys

With that he swept out of the classroom

Fearing the look that he saw

For he knew that in less than two seconds

He'd get such a sock in the jaw

Then in came the language professor

French teaching was one of his jobs

So he bowed to the head and said bonjour

And the head said bonjour avec knobs

But if you've come here to give lessons

You can take it from me it's no bon

Because today's a holiday savvy

So you might as well ailez vous en

Then a small voice called sir why it's easy

Forty four is your age I should say

Said the master now what a remarkable thing

You've guessed my right age to the day

Said the boy well my brother is just twenty two

Said the headmaster what's that to me

Well sir if he's twenty two you must be forty four

Couse he's only half barmy see

Then the whole class joined in the school anthem

Which nobody wanted to shirk

For he's a jolly good fellow

So long as we don't have to work