The Whole "Being Dead" Thing

"The Whole "Being Dead" Thing"

(feat. Alex Brightman)

(from "Beetlejuice (Original Broadway Cast Recording)" soundtrack)

BETELGEUSE, sung:

Hey, folks! Begging your pardon!

'Scuse me! Sorry to barge in

Now let's skip the tears and start on the whole

Y'know Being dead thing

You're doomed! Enjoy the singing

The sword of Damocles is swinging

And if I hear your cell-phone ringing

I'll kill you myself

The whole being dead thing!

Death can get a person stressed

"We should have carpe'd way more diems

Now we're never gonna see 'em!"

I can show you what comes next

So don't be freaked

Stay in your seats

I do this bullshit, like, eight times a week!

So just relax, you'll be fine

Drink your fifty-dollar wine

And take a breath!

ENSEMBLE:

Welcome to a show about death!

BETELGEUSE:

You're...

You're gonna be fine...

On the other side...

DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

I'll...

I'll be your guide...

To the other side...

ENSEMBLE:

Oh, and full disclosure: It's a show about death!

BETELGEUSE:

Everybody gets on fine here

Like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here

The women's bathroom has no line here

Just...

Pee where you want!

The whole being dead thing!

You're just gonna love the folks here

Yes, I know you're woke, but you can take a joke here!

And every show I do, like, a TON of coke here

The whole-

*heavy sniffing*

PAH-HAH! The whole being dead thing!

Nobody is bullet-proof!

"I work out, I eat clean!"

Jesus, pass the Dramamine

Time to face the brutal truth:

'Cause we're all on a hitlist

Might not live 'till Christmas

Choke to death on Triscuits

Hey, that's just statistics

So take a little break here

Kinda like a wake here

The scenery is fake here

But there's a giant snake here!

ENSEMBLE:

Welcome to a show about death!

BETELGEUSE:

You're...

You're gonna be fine...

THANK YOU!

On the other side...

HOW YOU DOIN'?

Not good!

Ba-be-ba-ba-be-bo-boo-bap-boop!

I'll...

I'll be your guide!

To the other side!

Seriously, though, this is a show about-

ENSEMBLE:

Death is taboo, but it's hardly something new

There's nothing medical professionals could do

'Cept maybe just bill you

BETELGEUSE, spoken:

If you die while listening to this album

It's still gonna keep playing

ENSEMBLE:

There's no destiny or fate

Just a terrifying wait

Filled with people that you hate

And on a certain date, the universe kills you!

BETELGEUSE:

That's the thing with life:

No-one makes it out alive!

Toss that body in the pit

"Gosh, it's awful, ain't it tragic?"

"Blah, blah, Bible. Jesus magic."

When you're dead, who gives a shit?

No pilates, no more yoga!

"Namaste", you freakin' posers

From the cradle to cremation

Death just needs a little conversation!

I have mastered the art (Dies Irae!)

Of tearing convention apart (Dies Irae!)

So, how about we all make a start (Dies Irae!)

On the whole being dead thing!

ALL:

God, I hope you're ready for a show about death!