The Malad Justed Jester

The Malad Justed Jester - Danny Kaye

Your majesty I have a confession

My secret have a slow betray

I was not a born fool

It took work to get this way

When I was a lad I was gloomy and sad

And I was from the day I was born

When other lads giggled and gurgled and wiggled

I proudly was loudly forlorn

My friends and my family looked at me clammily

Thought there was something amiss

When others found various antics hilarious

All I could manage was this ho ho

Or this ho waahhh

My father he shouted he needs to be clouted

His teeth on a wreath I'll hand him

My mother she cried as she rushed to my side

You re a brute and you don't understand him

So they send for a witch with a terrible twitch

To ask how my future impressed her

She took one look at me and cried hehehehehe he

What else could he be but a jester

A jester a jester a funny idea a jester

No butcher no baker no candlestick maker

And me with the look of a fine undertaker

Impressed her as a jester

Now where could I learn any comical turn

That was not in a book on the shelf

No teacher to take me and mold me and make me

A merryman fool or an elf

But I'm proud to recall that in no time at all

With no other recourses but my own resources

With firm application and determination

I made a fool of myself

I bought a little gun and I learned to shoot

I bought a little a horn and I learned to toot

Now I can shoot and toot ain't that cute Plbbt

I started to travel to try to unravel

My mind and to find a new chance

When I got to Spain it was suddenly plain

That the field that appealed was the dance

The Spanish were clannish but I wouldn't vanish

I learned every step they had planned

The first step of all isn't hard to recall

Cause the first step of all is to stand

And stand

And stand and stand and stand and stand and

They sometimes stand this way for days

Then they get very mad

At the floor and start to stomp on it

(Smash Ow )

After all of my practice the terrible fact is

I made a fool of myself

I sadly decided that dancing as I did

To sing was a thing that was sure

I found me a teacher a crotchety creature

Who used to sing coloratura

She twisted my chin pushed my diaphragm in

With a poker she vocalized me

When she said it was best that I threw out my chest

You may gather that rather surprised me

I was on solid ground till I suddenly found

That in Venice I was to appear

The gala locale was a choppy canal

And me a high sea gondolier

I nervously perched as the gondola lurched

Before the King s palazzo

As I started my song my voice it was strong

But my stomach I fear was not so

Oh solo mio oh

Oh solo ooh Help

When I fell overboard how his majesty roared

And before a siesta he made me his jester

And I found out soon that to be a buffoon

Was a serious thing as a rule

For a jester's chief employment

Is to kill himself for your enjoyment

And a jester unemployed is nobody s fool