Calling Home (Album Version)

I'm okay at basketball baseball was more my thing

Well uh I think they have a pickup game goin on at 10 AM tomorrow

Morning in the main gym for us freshmen

You playin

It's a co ed game so it's a good chance to see some hungover chicks run

Up and down the court watch their titties bounce and hopefully have them

Back up into your morning d**k wood while you D up

That could be nice

You wanna head over to that frat party and start shotgunning some beers

Just give me a few minutes I gotta call my family tell em I'm all

Situated here

Good deal I'll be in the bathroom whackin it

Phone dials and rings

That's because Mrs Snidel had her eyebrows and babushka lasered

Off hello

Hey mom I'm at school I'm all moved in everything's great

Oh wonderful what side of the room did you take

You mean left or right or what do you mean

What side of the room Did you go window or electrical outlet

There's like five outlets and the window's in the middle of me and

My roommate

Oh so everyone wins how nice Does your roommate do e*****y or

Snort heroine

I didn't ask him mom

Well if he does tell him you're not interested Not because you're a

Nerd but say it gives you bad diareah

Okay ma sounds good

Yeah

I gotta get goin there's an orientation party that's mandatory for

Freshmen to attend

Oh you should bring cupcakes When you hand them out to the other

Kids you say 'hi my name's Tyler here's to a sweet first year at

College '

Uh okay

You won't but you should

I will next time say hi to everybody for me mom

You say hello It'll take you two seconds They're all at the dinner table

Dying to talk to you Everyone Tyler's on the phone

Man：Hey hey hey Mr College

Woman：Who's on the phone

Mom：Tyler mom

Other Man：Let me talk to the superstar

Mom：Okay here's your brother

Other Man：Thanks mumsy Hey s**tstains how's it hangin

Not bad Pete It's pretty awesome here

You gettin laid yet

Nah just unpacked

But I'm sure you found time to smoke a few d**ks and lick a few asses right

Nooo

How's the dining hall Full of tasty beaver

Yeah there were a lot of cute girls and the food wasn't too bad either

They actually served chicken parmigian

Why don't you slap some of that parmigian cheese on a big fat pair of

College jugs and have them for dinner you f**kin d**kwacker

I'll work on that

DER Anyways I talked to a couple of my landscaping buddies and we

Figured that we got a long weekend with you in early Rocktober cause

Ronnie James Dio is playin up there

Oh okay

Tell your roommate I got his bed

Uh you can sleep in my bed

That's where Fitz is sleepin you f**kin asshole

Man：Hey I just wanna say hello Give me the phone

Pete：Alright dad Sorry I didn't go to college like Alfred Einstein here but

I'm a person too

Dad：Just give me the phone moron How you doin kiddo

Good dad

You enjoyin your freedom

Yeah

Don't get anyone pregnant

I won't

Okay here's your grandma

Dad I don't have time

Dad：Say hello there

Grandma：Who is it The ladies from the classical shop

Pete：No grandma it's the pharmacy

Grandma：Oh good Hi Dimitri did the cream for my vaginal warts

Come in Cause like we're talkin about they're starting to spread

Towards the anus

Pete：Hahahahaha

Grandma it's not Dimitri it's Tyler

Oh hi Bubbie why aren't you here We're getting ready to eat

Grandma we talked this morning remember I went away to school

Oh how marvelous Well don't study too much or you'll drive yourself

Bananas Take some time for yourself too

Thanks grandma I will

College is supposed to be fun

Yeah

I had my first gal on gal experience in college

Ooh

Dee Snyder was her name too much hair downstairs not for me

That's nice grandma

Alright don't pierce your nipples

I won't

Pete：You didn't know grandma dyked out before did ya

No fortunately she never told me

Have fun gettin that image out of your head tonight when you beat your meat

Thanks

Uh oh dude Someone else wants to say hello

Fart

Hahahahaha Did you hear that beef

Yeah nice job

Four straight seconds Let's hear you rip one that long

I can't

D**n right you can't Cause they don't teach that in one of your stupid

Books You're either born with it or you're not

Yeah you got the magic

Doorbell

Hold on a second dildo someone's at the door

I can't hold on I have to go

Mom：Coming just let me put the dog downstairs Okay

Door opens

You gotta be kidding me

Man：Hello there

Mom：Bernie What brings you over here

Bernie：I'm just returning the power drill Walter lent me last week

Dad：That's not my drill Bernie

Bernie：Well I guess it's mine May I eat now

Mom：Oh that's why you came over

Bernie：Yes

Dad：Terrific come join us Pete go get Bernie a folding chair from the closet

Pete：Why can't grandma

Dad：Just do it

Bernie：Thank you Walter Hello Yeta how's your health

Grandma：My labia lips itch but other than that I'm fine knock on wood

Dad：See Yeta The fake wood leg comes in handy

Grandma：True dat

Everyone laughs

Hello I have to go

Pete：Sit down Mr Fetterman but don't crush that big hog of yours

Bernie：Pardon me

Pete：I said Tyler's on the horn from college

Bernie：Quickly give me the phone

Sniff

Why does this phone smell so

Bad

Pete：I dunno I didn't fart in it But I think my grandma crapped herself

Bernie：Oh okay

Tyler it's Mr Fetterman

Hey Mr Fetterman how you doin

Do you have a roommate Tyler

Yeah I do

I must speak to him immediately

He's in the bathroom

Go get him and bring him to me now

Okay

Knock

Hey Brandon

Brandon：Hold on a second Come on Oprah Let me cum in your

Bellybutton Ohmygod Oh love it

Flush

Yeah What's up

Could you do me a favor and talk to somebody for a minute

Yeah sure Hello

Bernie：Hello to you my friend

Who dis

The question isn't who I am the question is who are you

Um What does that mean

It means you can't escape the truth What are your plans To turn Tyler

Into a giant recording machine so you that you can take my thoughts to

Your leader

Uh Come again

What is your real name Where do you hail from

Uh Brandon Seikz I'm from Oceanside Long Island

How dumb do you think I am Your name is 4 7 and you are a robot made

In a factory on the planet Yumnatz

Really

I know this because I too have radar

I see

We can make this easy or we can make this intensely difficult The choice

Is yours

Umm I'll go with not difficult

Fine then pass this message along to your leader I know about the

Pidgeons so that's not gonna work anymore I also have buried the blender

In the backyard so better luck next time I am not an amateur

Did not say you were

Let's call it a truce or let's call it the end of mankind as we know it Either

Way f**k you Are we clear 4 7

Oh I get it I'm on the radio

Then the message has been sent

Tyler：Just give me the phone Brandon

Brandon：Nice talkin to yall

Bernie：Die alien

Tyler：Sorry bout that dude

Brandon：Not a problem

Tyler：Don't worry Mr Fetterman I got everything under control

I know you do Tyler and if he causes any trouble just pull his battery

Pack that'll take him out of the game

Good deal Let me just say goodbye to my mother

Right and remember no glove no love alright

Yeah I'll remember that

Nancy

Pete：Hey f**kface Have fun telling ghost stories tonight with your new

P***y friends

I will

Suck a hairy nipple Here mumsy

Mom：Stop cursing

Pete：I wasn't mom

Mom：Just go play with your cock and balls

Pete：Right away mom

Alright baby did you remember to bring your dandruff shampoo

Yeah I did mom

Take the label off if you're embarrassed for your roommate to see it

I will

Okay go have fun at the mixer call us when you get back to your room

Call ya It's probly gonna be late ma

That's no problem we'll all wait up bye bye

Click

Man my family ain't easy to deal with sometimes

Nobodys is

What your family's a little nutty also

Oh yes Ya know I should actually give them a call too let em know

I'm okay

You got it I'll be in the bathroom whackin it to my grandma eating out

Dee Snyder

Good deal

Dialing and ringing

Gay Robot：Hello

Hey dad

Hello son Did you join a fraternity yet

I'm workin on it

Well when you do I'll come visit so I can f**k all your new brothers

You're too horny dad

True dat

Hahahahaha

Hahahahaha

Good times

Great times