I'm an Ordinary Man

I find the moment I let a woman make friends with me

She becomes jealous exacting

Suspicious and a d**ned nuisance

The moment that I make friends with a woman I become selfish and tyrannical

So here I am a confirmed old bachelor and likely to remain so

Well after all Pickering

'l'm an ordinary man

'Who desires nothing more

'Than just an ordinary chance

'To live exactly as he likes

'And do precisely what he wants

'An average man am I

'Of no eccentric whim

'Who likes to live his life

'Free of strife

'Doing whatever he thinks is best for him

'Oh just an ordinary man

'But let a woman in your life

'And your serenity is through

'She'll redecorate your home From the cellar to the dome

'Then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you

'Let a woman in your life

'And you are up against a wall

'Make a plan and you will find She has something else in mind

'So rather than do either You do something else that neither

'Likes at all

'You want to talk of Keats or Milton

'She only wants to talk of love

'You go to see a play or ballet

'And spend it searching for her glove

'Let a woman in your life

'And you invite eternal strife

'Let them buy their wedding bands

'For those anxious little hands

'l'd be equally as willing For a dentist to be drilling

'Than to ever let a woman in my life

'l'm a very gentle man

'Even tempered and good natured Whom you never hear complain

'Who has the milk of human kindness By the quart in every vein

'A patient man am I Down to my fingertips

'The sort who never could Ever would

'Let an insulting remark escape his lips

'A very gentle man

'But let a woman in your life

'And patience hasn't got a chance

'She will beg you for advice Your reply will be concise

'And she'll listen very nicely

'Then go out and do precisely What she wants

'You were a man of grace and polish

'Who never spoke above a hush

'Now all at once you're using language

'That would make a sailor blush

'Let a woman in your life

'And you're plunging in a knife

'Let the others of my s*x

'Tie the knot around their necks

'l'd prefer a new edition Of the Spanish lnquisition

'Than to ever let a woman in my life

'l'm a quiet living man

'Who prefers to spend the evenings

'ln the silence of his room

'Who likes an atmosphere as restful

'As an undiscovered tomb

'A pensive man am I Of philosophic joys

'Who likes to meditate contemplate

'Free from humanity's mad inhuman noise

'A quiet living man

'But let a woman in your life

'And your sabbatical is through

'ln a line that never ends Come an army of her friends

'Come to jabber and to chatter And to tell her

'What the matter is with you

'She'll have a booming boisterous family

'Who will descend on you en masse

'She'll have a large Wagnerian mother

'With a voice that shatters glass

'Let a woman in your life

'l shall never let a woman

' in my life '