If You Give Me Your Attention

If You Give Me Your Attention - Martyn Green

If you give me your attention

I will tell you what I am

I'm a genuine philanthropist

All other kinds are sham

Each little fault of temper

And each social defect

In my erring fellow creatures

I endeavour to correct

To all their little weaknesses

I open people's eyes

And little plans to snub

The self sufficient I devise

I love my fellow creatures

I do all the good I can

Yet ev'rybody says I'm such

A disagreeable man

And I can't think why

To compliments inflated

I've a withering reply

And vanity I always do

My best to mortify

A charitable action

I can skillfully dissect

And interested motives

I'm delighted to detect

I know ev'rybody's income

And what ev'rybody earns

And I carefully compare

It with the income tax returns

But to benefit humanity

However much I plan

Yet ev'rybody says

I'm such a disagreeable man

And I can't think why

I'm sure I'm no ascetic

I'm as pleasant as can be

You'll always find me ready

With a crushing repartee

I've an irritating chuckle

I've a celebrated sneer

I've an entertaining snigger

I've a fascinating leer

To ev'rybody's prejudice

I know a thing or two

I can tell a woman's age in

Half a minute and I do

But although I try to make

Myself as pleasant as I can

Yet ev'rybody says I'm such

A disagreeable man

And I can't think why

I can't think why