The Biggest Aspidistra in the World

The Biggest Aspidistra in the World - Gracie Fields

Written by：Connor/Haines/Harper

For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot

On the whatnot near the Atstand in the all

It didn't seem to grow 'til one day our brother Joe

Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall

So he's crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree

And he's planted it against the garden wall

It shot up like a rocket 'til it's nearly reached the sky

It's the biggest aspidistra in the world

We couldn't see the top of it it got so bloomin' high

It's the biggest aspidistra in the world

When father's had a snoot full at his pub Bunch of Grapes

He doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes

No you'll find him in his bear skin playing Tarzan of the apes

Off the biggest aspidistra in the world

The tom cats and their sweethearts love to spend their evenings out

Up the biggest aspidistra in the world

They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout

From the biggest aspidistra in the world

The dogs all come around for miles a lovely sight to see

They sniff around for hours and hours and wag their tails with glee

So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree

It's the biggest aspidistra in the world

We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade

So they put the water rates up half a crown

The roots stuff up the drains grow along the country lanes

And they came up half a mile outside the town

Once we hired an auditorium for a hot house

But a jealous rival went and burnt it down

It's getting worn and weiry and its leaves are turning grey

It's the oldest aspidistra in the world

So we water it with half a pint of Guinness every day

It's the stoutest Aspidistra in the world

The borough council told us that we've got to chop it down

It interferes with Aeroplanes that fly above the town

So we sold it to a wood yard for a lousy half a Crown

It's the biggest aspidistra in the world