Albuquerque

Albuquerque - Weird Al Yankovic

Written by：Al Yankovic

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy

Living in a box under the stairs in the corner of

The basement of the house

Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop

You know the place

Well anyway back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning

My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Awww big bowl of sauerkraut

Every single mornin'

It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom

I said

Hey mom what's up with all the sauerkraut

And my dear sweet mother

She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said It's good for you

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until

I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well let me tell you people it wasn't long at

All before my dream came true

Because the very next day a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three but I still won the grand prize

That's right a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Oh yeah

You know I'd never been on a real airplane before

And I gotta tell ya it was really great

Except that I had to sit between two large

Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore

And oh yeah three of the airplane engines burned out

And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died

Except for me

You know why

Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha

Ah ha ha

Ahhhh

So I crawled from the twisted burnin' wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days

Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag

And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball

And my lucky lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel

But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy

And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna

It's okay they're clean

Well I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very very much when suddenly there's a knock on the door

Well now who could that be

I say

Who is it

No answer

Who is it

There's no answer

Who is it

They're not sayin' anything

So finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock Of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Oh man I hate it when I'm right

So anyway he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like

Hey you can't have that

That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me

And he's like tough

And I'm like give it

And he's like make me

And I'm like 'kay

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus

And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed you better believe it

And somehow in the middle of it all the phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later I heard a familiar voice

And you know what it said

I'll tell you what it said

It said

If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again

If you need help hang up and then dial your operator

If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again

If you need help hang up and then dial your operator

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Well to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel

But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that

I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says

Yeah what do ya want

I said

You got any glazed donuts

He said

No we're outta glazed donuts

I said

You got any jelly donuts

He said

No we're outta jelly donuts

I said

You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts

He said

No we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts

I said

You got any cinnamon rolls

He said

No we're outta cinnamon rolls

I said

You got any apple fritters

He said

No we're outta apple fritters

I said

You got any bear claws

He said

Wait a minute I'll go check

No we're outta bear claws

I said

Well in that case in that case what do you have

He says

All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels

I said

Okay I'll take that

So he hands me the box and

I open up the lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

Oh man they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know I think it was just about that time

That a little ditty started goin' through my head

I believe it went a little something like this

Doh

Get 'em off me

Get 'em off me

Oh

No get 'em off get 'em off

Oh oh God oh God

Oh get 'em off me

Oh oh God

Ah ah ah

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin' runnin' runnin'

Like a constipated wiener dog

And as luck would have it that's exactly when

I ran into the girl of my dreams

Her name was Zelda

She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite

And hair the color of strained peaches

I'll never forget the first thing she said to me

She said

Hey you've got weasels on your face

That's when I knew it was true love

We were inseparable after that

Aw we ate together we bathed together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married and we bought us a house

And had two beautiful children Nathaniel and Superfly

Oh we were so very very very happy aw yeah

But then one fateful night Zelda said to me

She said

Sweetie pumpkin

Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club

I said

Whoa hold on now baby

I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment

So we broke up and I never saw her again

But that's just the way things go

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Anyway things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler

I even made employee of the month after

I put out that grease fire with my face

Aw yeah everybody was pretty jealous of me after that

I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK like one time I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol'

Sofa up the stairs all by himself

So I

I say to him I say

Hey you want me to help you with that

And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes

No I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me

He's like

Hey man I was just being sarcastic

Well that's just great

How was I supposed to know that

I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud

Besides now he's got a really cute nickname Torso-Boy

So what's he complaining about

Say that reminds me of another amusing anecdote

This guy comes up to me on the street

And says he hasn't had a bite in three days

Well I knew what he meant

But just to be funny I took a big bite out of his jugular vein

And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over

And I'm like

Hey come on don'tcha get it

But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming

You know just completely missing the irony of the whole situation

Man some people just can't take a joke you know

Anyway um um where was I

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh well uh okay

Anyway I I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate Sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say

And by the way if one day you happen to wake up

And find yourself in an existential quandry

Full of loathing and self-doubt

And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence

At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that

Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up old universe of ours

There's still a little place called

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Albuquerque Albuquerque

Albuquerque Albuquerque

Albuquerque Albuquerque

Albuquerque Albuquerque

I said A A

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Albuquerque