Benoit Blanc vs Hercule Poirot (Explicit)

RAP BATTLE

Benoit Blanc vs Hercule Poirot

Hercule Poirot：

Mon dieu…

This poor man’s been attacked

Don’t panic though，have some confidence

Murders on the tracks are exactly what I am strongest in

Ah，Monsieur Blanc is it？

You’re…How you say？

INCOMPETENT！

Something here is afoot

So watch me once again go stomp on

SHHHH！

You’re too bothered with these long metaphors that you use to accomplish and prove nothing

Rule out people then you deduce from it

So what do you do that a game of Clue couldn’t？

Took a genre so crucially truthful and churned out regurgitative spoof vomit

If you’re wondering who Blanc is

He’s stood accused of reducing a whodunit to a who’s dumbest

Ah！The Best detective’s not likely double-o-seven herbs and spices

The only sense he’s left is of dress and that’s cause Inspector called a new stylist

I detect every tiny detail cause my mind magnifies it

Yet what I’ll never find is Benoit Blanc on any invite list

You’re an imposter

in hot water

like Among Us

in the bathtub

So full os crap，cut that bumpkin accent you yap with because that act’s up

Contrive your way into my brain with writing help from Rain？

Mon ami，there’s only one grey cell

I’ll let you see inside of…

Benoit Blanc：

This case is like an egg

What I mean is you can’t stand it

That’s alright

Enter Benoit Blanc

He’s here to crack it

Can I ask that you retract all your dull points like a fake knife？

That mustache mask alone’s covering up a crime

Your farfetched farming dreams will have to wait tight

The only thing you’ve planted in the soil is your late wife

It’s not a mystery，since seeing him be so wicked

That dame Agatha Christie wish he’d never been written

But please before you diss me consider the wind conditions

Watch it blow up in your face literally wire you trippin？

The collected evidence confirms this decorated veteran posessed the intent to disperse of this gentleman thus making this murder his second one

You’ve certainly switched your profession up

Now learn the taste of your own medicine

Too bad I could’t have served hime it earlier and prevented his heart from letting up

Columbo：

Sorry to interrupt your skirmish，detectives

I’m lieutenant columbo

I’d like to ask a few questions

I’ve never been the kinda man to act tough

But don’t force my hands or show you howcatchem

I know you smart types all have your methods but Blanc，it’s awful surpicious to find you next to that lifeless body arguing with it

Poirot，you said you worked with cops but what I tryinv to figure out

You spent all that time in Brussels never tried one of their sprouts？

And I’m sorry for your loss wives can nag at ya for a while but even after the murder，you’re still living in denial？

Mr.Blanc he inspired your act，right in fact

I can tell cause a donut’s not the kinda hole some would describe you as

Spent weeks abroad stressing your husband suspicious，isn’t it？

You’ll be the first man to catch a case while social distancing

That’ all…

Boy，whoever did this must’ve been some posh snob

Oh，just one more thing how much those watches cost？

L：

“Just one thing indeed，lieutenant

I’ll have to stop you right there“

“Don’t think you’re N’s successor just because you’re growing white hairs”

How typical，it’s rich men who target as suspects

But my suspicions of your guilt have grown beyond just one percent

So yes，I’d hardly call you qualified for solving this man’s death

The fake eye tells me your perception skills are far out of their depth

In all of your episodes it’s the same stars you’re opposing

Oh，this time Rob Culp’s the culprit？

‘Fantastic job’，Sherlock HomeLESS

You take what’s known rediscover

Less Columbo，more columbus

And that glass eye would spill glass tears before you ever cracked a Glass Onion

Your entire charade is built on lies and folk tales

That body seems like just another target Mr. Falk tailed

Batman：

“Not quite”

“But since you play a chess match well”

I am the Dark Knight

And I’ve been FOLLOWING YOUR PATH，L

We both were orphans

But through the pain I forged my way with discipline

Your mind was molded in a program made for gifted kids

I don’t think your goal’s to save the innocent

Prestige must be sugar-laced

I know your brain’s addicted to it

Your ego’s feasted well off Tokyo’s carcass

The perfect foil to Kira because you’re heartless treating lives like they’re pawns

Spending all of your time watching the light but make sure you mind the darkness

Cotham’s Shinigami in the darkest corners of the city watching

Preserving life and crashing any guilty party

Riddle solving it comes with the job

So hide as Hideki，L or Ryuzaki

There’s no pseudonym that you’re adoping

WHICH WILL STOP ME！

All that effort to see light indicted

Just to be written off by his sidekick’s sidekick

The pieces point to you from all sides

What will you do next？

It’s checkmate，and you’re just like your heart with no moves left

Shaggy Rogers：

How many damaged fragile assholes does it take to crack a murder scene？

Like，don’t lash out at Shaggy，man cuz it wasn’t me！

Scoob：

Batman！

Shaggy Rogers：

Scoob，we can’t rush to conclusions

It’s important

Last time someone took shots in the dark

Bruce got orphaned

Boy，wonder where would you get a sidekick

If the elementary doesn’t let him back in

Cuz I don’t think you’ll get away with

Like，how you like to meddle with kids

Been let up and tricked for 83 years and Gotham’s hope has not gotten closer

No belt or bat wings and I’m better equipped give me one crossover

I’ll drop the Joker

Every quack in Arkham slides right past ya when you catch’em

Like，I get the bat thing you’re blinder than Velma without her glasses

He’s got a Shagworthy sized mansion

Why are you never happy？

Gang，unmask him！

It’s Ben Affleck！

Zoinks！And he’s method acting！

1% percent and I trash your crummy villains in under minutes

Like，who raised you to be such an idiot like the butler did it！

Batman：

Okay Rogers

Solve the murder if you’re so damn smart

Shaggy Rogers：

Like，I’don’t know man

I’m only here for the free sandwich bar～

Sherlock Holmes：

Pass me my pipe and my hat

I got my eyes on the facts

Stringing more notes than my violin has

This case is finally CRACKED！

Step on the street with the baker and I put that fire in my RAPS

NOW THAT YOU’RE TALKING TO

Sherlock Holmes

THERE AIN’T A MIND WHO CAN MATCH

No，you can’t handle the truth

I’ve seen dead bodies that bring better value than you

What do you actually do？

No better than bait when your crew

Leaves you battered and bruised

Not a hard fact to deduce

Gathering clues on some Baskerville hounds

See a dog that can bite，tear a man to ground

But the mutts laid before me are Shaggy and Scoob

Hercule，I can see you ain’t aged well

No evidence，Relying on your fake tells

My sidekick’s a doctor

Arthur Hastings still aint using his brain or his “grey cells”

Searching for the murderer in cottages and quaint dwells

Terminate a perpetrator ‘fore they ever raise hell

Pray tell，you derail to distract from the pain when your wife derailed from the track

Like

Batman，all the tech that you got ain’t helping you more than one line of coke

Under all of that stuff you’re down to the core a regular bloke

Even L needs a force behind him

I’m solving crimes on my own

SO GO READ ABOUT IT GAIN MORE RENOWN WITH

Dr. Watson：

Every “death” that I “note”！

Sherlock Holmes：

Riding through on a horse drawn carriage

Dr. Watson：

Right past Frank，who got caught in a traffic

Sherlock Holmes：

Run down car，only banger he’s havin’

Dr. Watson：

He’s sorting clues，can’y sort his marriage

Sherlock Holmes：

Monsieur Blanc，here is advice I’m giving

Stop the villain ‘fore the crimes committed

Dr. Watson：

Cuz every visit you find a victim

Sherlock Holmes：

Like you’ve been bribed by sly morticians

Gathering the clues of the crime

Dr. Watson：

All you sleuths can’t decide

Sherlock Holmes：

On the culprit

Dr. Watson：

The weapon

Sherlock Holmes：

Or who’s in the right

But by looking how the lace on his shoe has been tied

Dr. Watson：

And the stains of the juice on his thigh

Sherlock Holmes：

That he tumbled and fell，I assume with a fright

Dr. Watson：

But I see there’s no blood or a wound in my sight

Sherlock Holmes：

With the use of my light see the moves of his eye

I can only conclude that this dude’s still ALIVE！

（END）

The Stupendium as Hercule Poirot

Shwabadi as Benoit Blanc

Gianni Matragrano as Columbo

Snakebite126 as L

Mr. Tibbs as Batman

Zawesome as Shaggy Rogers

Rustage as Sherlock Holmes

littleflecks as Dr. Watson