The Biggest Aspidistra in the World

The Biggest Aspidistra in the World - Gracie Fields/Ray Noble

For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot

On the whatnot near the 'atstand in the 'all

It didn't seem to grow until one day our brother Joe

Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall

So he's crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree

And he's planted it against the garden wall

It shot up like a rocket

'Til it's nearly reached the sky

It's the biggest aspidistra in the world

We couldn't see the top of it it got so blooming high

It's the biggest aspidistra in the world

When father's had a snoot full at his pub 'The Bunch of Grapes'

He doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes

No you'll find him in his bear-skin playing Tarzan of the apes

Off the biggest aspidistra in the world

We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade

So they put the water rates up half a crown

The roots stuff up the drains grow along the country lanes

And they came up half a mile outside the town

Once we hired an auditorium for a hot house

But a jealous rival went and burnt it down

The tom cats and their sweethearts love to spend their evenings out

Up the biggest aspidistra in the world

They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout

From the biggest aspidistra in the world

The dogs all come around for miles a lovely sight to see

They sniff around for hours and hours and wag their tails with glee

So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree

It's the biggest aspidistra in the world