You're On My Mind

I should like to consider the folk song

And expand briefly on a theory I have held for some time

To the effect that the reason most folk songs are so atrocious is that they were written by：the

Le

If professional songwriters had written them instead

Things might have turned out considerably differently

For example

Consider the old favorite

With which

I'm sure

You're all familiar

Ot

Clementine

You know：

In a cavern

In a canyon

Dadada dadadada

A song with no recognizable merit whatsoever

And imagine what might have happened if

For example

Cole porter had tried writing this song

The first verse might have come out like this：

In a cavern

In a canyon

Excava ha ha hating for a mine

Far away from the boom boom boom of the city

She was so pretty

What a pity

Clementine

Oh clementine

Can't you tell from the howls of me

This love of mine calls to you from the bowels of me

Are you discerning the returning

Of this churning

Burning

Yearning for you oo oo

Ah ah

Well

Supposing at this point that mozart

Or one of that crowd

Had tried writing a verse

The next one might have come out as a baritone aria from an italian opera

Somewhat along these lines：

Era legera e come un fairy

E suo shoes numero nine

Herring bo ho ho hoxes senza to ho ho hopses

Sandalae per clementina si

Per clementina si

Per clementina sandalae

Per clementina sandalae

Per clementine

Clehementina

Clehementina

Clehe he mentina

Herring boxes senza topses sandalae per clementina

Herring boxes senza topses sandalae per clementina

Che sciagura clementina

Che sciagura clementina

Cara clementina

Cara

Clementina na na na na na na na

Supposing at this rather dramatic juncture in the narrative

One of our modern cool school of composers had tried writing a verse

The next one might have come out like this：

Drove those ducklings to the water

Yeah brach

Doddley doo doo uh ah

Ev'ry morning like 9am

Ooh pah

De do de do do do

Biddley da

Got hung up on a splinter

Got a hung up on a splinter

Cloo ge mop

Huh huh

Do de do de do do do

Fell into the foamy brine

Dig that crazy clementine

Man

To end on a happy note

One can always count on gilbert and sullivan for a rousing finale

Full of words and music and signifying nothing

That I missed her depressed her young sister named esther

This mister to pester she tried

Now her pestering sister's a festering blister

You're best to resist her

Say I

The mister resisted

The sister persisted

I kissed her

All loyalty slipped

When she said I could have her

Her sister's cadaver

Must surely have turned in its crypt

Yes

Yes

Yes

Yes

But I love she and she loves me

Enraptured are the both of we

Yes I love she and she loves I

And will through all eternity

See what I mean