The Squip Song

RICH:

Freshman year

I didn't have a girlfriend or a clue

I was a loser just like you

Good times would only

Soar by

I was gross

As every female would attest

My sexting was a futile quest

My little ***** was depressed

He was so lonely

Poor guy

I was hopeless, hopeless

I was helpless, helpless

Every time I walked the hallway I would trip

I was stagnant and idle

I was so suicidal and then, then, then

Then, then, then, then, then

Then, then, then, then,

Then I got a Squip

JEREMY:

You got quick?

RICH:

Not quick. Squip.

JEREMY:

I've just never heard of it before.

RICH:

That's the point. This is some top-secret-can't-even-look-it-up-on-the-internet *****t.

It's from Japan

It's a grey, oblong pill

Quantum nanotechnology CPU

The quantum computer in the pill

Will travel through your blood until

It implants in your brain and tells you what to do

JEREMY:

So... It's like drugs?

RICH:

It's better than drugs, Jeremy.

It's from Japan

It's a grey, oblong pill

Quantum nanotechnology CPU

The quantum computer in the pill

Will travel through your blood until

It implants in your brain and tells you what to do

It tells you what to do

It's pre-programmed

It's amazing

Speaks to you directly

You behave as

It's appraising

Helps you act correctly

Helps you to be cool

Helps you rule

Picture this

Nobody cares if you are late

'Cause even teachers think you're great

Your weekend's just a full-on slate

Of blowout benders

Of teenage rockstar splendors

Right now you're helpless, helpless

You are almost hopeless

On the school social map you're just a blip

But if you take my advice and if you

Pay the listed price, well then you

Go from sad, to interesting, to hip

Yeah, your whole life will flip

When you buy a squip

Hey, yeah, a squip

Yeah, yeah, a squip

A-ah a squip

No longer a drip when you've got in your grip

A squip

A squip

A squip