ฟังเพลงThe Want Ad

The Want Ad - Pandora'S Box

This is addressed to all the people who answered or may be thinking of answering

The personal ad I placed in volume 2

Number 15 of this newspaper two weeks ago Friday

First my apologies to the huge bartender with the voice

And the light hearted dark skinned advertising man

If either of you had called me back

I might not be writing this retraction of my ad

Even though I will soon be too busy to date much

But why didn't you call back

But to the others

Which include the two terrifying sisters

The under 18's and the over 60's

The numerous ones who dialed my number

And hung up as soon as I said hello

The 35 or 40 of you who made dates with me and never showed up

Including the one who complained his body was so powerful he couldn't control it anymore

The desperate wife seekers the already married

The one who was so one sided that he could think of nothing but sex

And then have the gall to ask me

If his nationality was the reason I wouldn't sleep with him

The many who couldn't get it up

When I was agreeable and the many who could and did when I was not

The pleasant young foreigner who turned out to be the private

Property of his gigantic girlfriend

The ones who were so grotesque in their appearance

That I couldn't possibly get past their faces to even consider a relationship with them

Especially sexual

The sharks and the geeks and the sadists

The latter category which I had specifically stated I didn't want

And the ones who wanted endless dirty talk

The ones who wanted to be punished

The ones who could only boast about the size of their

Bank rolls and or their equipment

And this definitely includes the teacher who said

All the kids want my stuff

The businessman who had an adjective for every letter

Of his last name r is for rich

The ones and there were many who said

My name is so and so and so how far do you go

The 300 pound lady judge who screamed abuse at me

The transvestite who wanted me to support him

The numerous young studs who had nothing to offer

Besides the negative results of their goddamn blood tests

The diminutive actor and the other short ones

The astronomer who cried like a baby

And said he'd been betrayed by every star he ever knew

The fanatic priest who wanted me to confess

To things I'd never even dreamed of

The worn out soldiers the burned out poets

The pumped up jocks and the used up kids

The racists including the one at whose place I left my white sweater

And I'd rather cut off my right thumb than go back for it

The drunks junkies crack and coke heads the multitude of liars

And especially the nice ones who never called back

To all of you I say

Just forget my phone number

I don't need all the hassles

I'll be starting school next month and I just don't want to be bothered

Don't hold your breath any of you

Sincerely

The underweight platinum blonde

Have a nice day