Beowulf (I Am Deformed)

Beowulf (I Am Deformed) - Momus

I have come with my sword Naegling

And the usual aches and pains

To defeat Grendel the monster

Lately scourge of the Danes

Showing no mercy in the mead hall

He laid waste thirty thanes

In return I will chop off his shoulder

Then I will deal with his mother

Where is the disabled loo

I'm feeling slightly queasy woozy

So would you if you'd had to do

The things I've had to do

Slay the good slay the bad

Do I have the right to use the disabled loos

Did they send the right

Man from the land of heroes

Stop laughing I am Beowulf

I give you my oath as I was born

I am Beowulf

I am the hero coming to save you

And I am deformed

Cancer gubbins that hangs at

My neck like a turkey throat

Swaddling leather trussing

Up a shrivelled belly bloat

Dangling from my orifice is

A puzzling speculum drip

If you promise not to tell

Anyone I have a hare lip

A smoking hole and a very large mole

My face it slithers my ears are torn

Don't laugh I am deformed

Stop laughing I am Beowulf

I give you my oath as I was born

I am Beowulf

I am the hero coming to save you

And I am deformed

So go ahead laugh you won't be the first

Richard the Hundredth

The Hunchback laughed

Henry Dalrymple the simpleton

Convulsed with mirth

At this sick rubber joke my bones as

They poke out of a hole in my skin

At this helplessly flailing mutant appalling

Prosthetic thalydomide limb

Have a good laugh while

You're at it at my schlong

My metallic foot brace it scratches and drags

I dribble down a twig

I twitch along the ground

My Breugel boots they beggar belief

I have the stinky shanks of a hound

My patchy moustache hides a birthmark

I have come to save Denmark

Stop laughing

Stop laughing I am Beowulf

I give you my oath as I was born

I am Beowulf

I am the hero coming to save you

I am deformed